lately...

things have been quite topsy-turvy. my life has literally been an emotional roller-coaster. from feeling completely alone and rejected, to not knowing what i want to do with the rest of my life. i think i'm finally starting to figure things out though.

on the whole subject of feeling alone sometimes, i can't really help that. all of my oldest and best friends live at least 200+ miles in either direction. the only people i have are kylie, matt, dani and my roommates. but let me not get started on that. all i'm going to say is that i KNOW i'm not crazy anymore. when people change, you will notice it. gahhh these last 2 weeks or so have just been so shitty. i don't care about school anymore, sometimes i wonder why i'm even here. needless to say, i've basically given up on my classes which is horrible. i need to put some kind of effort into it because my gpa will suffer. and do you want to know WHY i've given up? because i hate my classes. CLASSES I'M TAKING FOR MY MAJOR, which i changed to art because that's what i've always wanted to do. but it's ruining it for me and i no longer feel the need to study it. so this week i'm changing it back to anthropology. i feel like that's the right decision, and even thinking about it makes me feel so much more relaxed. i'm signed up for classes and everything.

saturday was my first month anniversary with matt. haven't had one of those in awhile...it was fun though. we went to a party on friday night and were up until 5 am playing with his star wars legos i got him and singing christmas music. we're actually going to disney with my family this weekend, and i'm quite excited for that. i've realized that i like him a lot, more than i thought i would, but i don't mean that in a bad way. i'm very happy with him and i find myself thinking about him a lot which is in some ways new for me. i haven't liked or opened up to someone like this in a long, long time.

gavin turns one on thursday and i cannot wait to see my family. i haven't seen them since august and i've been going absolutely crazy. thinking about close it is until they come up here actually makes me tear up a little. everyone else has gone home at least once or has had their parents come visit. not me. it's hard for them with the baby and work and the other kids. and i haven't wanted to make that drive by myself. i have a feeling i'm actually going to break down and cry from happiness thursday night. i'm just afraid gavin won't really remember me because he hasn't seen me in months...i hope he does.

this is quite possibly the longest blog i've written so far. i've needed to get these feelings out somehow and i don't know why i didn't think of this earlier. people don't even read this so it's more like a personal diary if anything haha. well it's late and unfortunately i have to work tomorrow. i probably won't be able to get to sleep early enough but at least i've stopped having nightmares. maybe it was from being so stressed about so many different things and then i had my huge mental breakdown a little while ago where i cried for HOURS. i'm not exaggerating when i say i believe i cried from 730 well into the early morning.

but i guess i ought to try and sleep.
goodnight world, sleep with angels.
<3 k

ps - i promise to be less emo next time hahaha